EXT. FARMHOUSE – DAY

EMILIO LIZARDO (70) and RUST COHLE (40) in rocking chairs on the porch. A Playa-esque dust storm rips through covering them in sediment. A boy LITTLE CASEY AFFLECK (15) teases his sister MURPH (7).

EMILIO

Shame about all the okra dyin’. And my daughter.

RUST

This place is like somebody’s memory of a town, and the memory is fading.

EMILIO

Also shame that you have to travel through a wormhole to save the Earth.

RUST

It’s all one ghetto man, a giant gutter in outer space.

MURPH

Daddy, don’t leave! What about the ghost? It says stay!

Rust walks to his pickup truck and turns the ignition.

RUST

Sometimes you gotta go back to actually move forward.

(beat)

Hey, I thought my truck was contractually required to be a Lincoln?

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN (O.S.)

Lincoln doesn’t make a pickup.

EMILIO

Remember when I visited the 8th Dimension and brought back the Red Lectroids. That movie was way better.

INT. SPACESHIP – ETERNAL NIGHT

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON (40) calculates stuff and throws up in a barf bag. ELLA ENCHANTED (30) secretly kisses a picture of her sweetheart and makes puppy dog eyes.

FAKE JAKE GYLLENHAAL (30) puts some more gel in his hair and looks at a map...of Disneyland? He circles Space Mountain and draws a smiley face.

FAKE JAKE

So, explain this wormhole thing to me again, Neil. Is this like the movie Tremors?

Neil rolls his eyes. Rust stops cutting out little spacemen from Lone Star cans.

RUST

It’s like in this universe, we process time linearly, forward. But outside of our space time, from what would be a fourth dimensional perspective, time wouldn’t exist and from that vantage could we attain it? You see our space time would look flattened, like a single sculpture, matter in a super position, every place it ever occupied.

Wooderson, I mean, Rust crushes a beer can on his head.

RUST

You see everything outside our dimension, that’s eternity. Eternity looking down on us. Now, to us it’s a sphere.

(holding up the can)

But to them it’s a circle.

ELLA

And love! Love is the most powerful force in the universe.

NEIL

Yeah, what they said, plus space origami. So have we decided which planet we’re going to land on first?

ELLA

My ladyboner tells me... this one!

Fake Jake nods his head in agreement just as an AWESOME ROBOT enters the room.

AWESOME ROBOT

You guys are f*ing useless. The only job you have is sleeping and docking with other spaceships. They could have just sent robots. We’re the funniest, most complex characters in this movie.

NEIL

Someone put his honesty setting at 100% again.

EXT. THE ICE PLANET HOTH – 68-HOUR-LONG DAY

Rust and DR. MANN (Get it? You will.) tromp across a frozen wasteland that looks like Everest Base Camp.

RUST

I get a bad taste in my mouth out here... aluminum... ash... like you can smell a psychosphere.

DR. MANN

That’s because I’m about to kill you and steal your spaceship! Bwahahah!

RUST

Doesn’t matter. I have seen the finale of thousands of lives, man.

DR. MANN

That’s Doctor Mann to you.

RUST

Young, old, each one so sure of their realness. You know that their sensory experience constituted a unique individual with purpose and meaning. So certain that they were more than biologic --

Dr. Mann bashes in Rust’s space helmet.

AWESOME ROBOT

Dammit, do I have to save you guys again? This is why you write three acts, not four.

???. ANOTHER DIMENSION – ???

Black hole! Wormhole! Event horizon! Relativity! Math! You know, basically what that would look like on screen. I give up. GEORGE CARLIN arrives in a telephone booth from the year 2688.

GEORGE CARLIN

Rust, I’ve been sent from the future to ensure you pass your history --

(beat)

I mean, wait, sorry. That was a different, better movie about time travel.

RUST

Someone once told me time is a flat circle. Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again

GEORGE CARLIN

Eh. Maybe. I guess, but I’ve been sent from the future to ensure you teach your daughter the coefficients of space time, so she can harness the power of gravity to launch the world’s least aerodynamic building into space.

RUST

I thought I was mainlining the secret truth of the universe.

GEORGE CARLIN

No, sorry. Just stand behind this bookshelf and push books and shit until she understands.

RUST

Ah, all your life, all your love, all your hate, all your memories, all your pain, it was all the same thing. It was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room ... behind a bookcase.

GEORGE CARLIN

Just push the damn books on the floor already.

“God Gave Rock and Roll to You” by KISS plays.

FADE OUT